


Who I Am

by Sassywolf23



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-24
Updated: 2014-10-24
Packaged: 2018-02-22 10:24:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2504417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sassywolf23/pseuds/Sassywolf23
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fenris loves Hawke, but he has to walk away in order to admit that. </p><p>Uses elements from the game. </p><p>Songfic</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who I Am

**Author's Note:**

> The song that this is set to is Where I Stood by Missy Higgins. I have taken liberties with the lyrics, and it does not follow them exactly (after all, that would be boring). Please give it a listen!
> 
> Also the quotes I used were paraphrased but they came from conversations within the game.

**Who I Am**

_I don't know what I've done_

_Or if I like what I've begun_

_But something told me to run_

_And honey you know me it's all or none_

He couldn’t do it. The images alone were too much; losing them as well was a breaking point.

 

Fenris couldn’t understand why Hawke’s touch awakened memories that had lain dormant for as long as he could remember (and that was as far back as the lyrium ritual, so really, not that long).

 

As he walked out of Hawke’s room, he kept shaking his head. “Foolish, that was foolish,” he muttered.

 

He entered his mansion and grabbed a bottle of Aggregio, hoping to drown his sorrows.

 

But by the time the bottle was gone, all he had was a slight headache.

 

And he continued to have raging thoughts, at his behavior.

 

_I don’t know who I am, who I am without you_

_All I know is that I should_

_And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you_

_All I know is that I should_

Fenris was a masochist; that had to explain his willingness to continue to work with Hawke, knowing what he did about the man’s _constant_ flirting.

 

As far as he knew, it never went anywhere, but just the thought that he was willing to flirt with everyone else bothered Fenris.

 

It bothered Fenris because it meant that Hawke was ready to walk away from him at a moment’s notice. If the flirting went far enough, he might even be willing to fall into bed with Isabela, who, having felt the intense negativity between Hawke and Fenris, had taken advantage.

 

Now as they played Wicked Grace, a game Fenris was notoriously bad at, she laughed just a bit too loudly at Hawke’s incessant jokes.

 

And Fenris could barely stop himself from joining in.

 

Which would turn a bad decision into an even worse one.

 

_There were sounds in my head_

_LIttle voices whispering_

_That I should go and this should end_

_Oh and I found myself listening_

Following up on Hadriana’s information, Fenris found his sister. The letters he received from her were formal and uncertain at first, but as he gave her more information, she thawed.

 

 _“I’m going to be at the Hanged Man,”_ her last letter read. _“For maybe a week. If you can, please come meet me._

_Varania”_

Fenris stared at the letter blankly, thankful for the lessons that Hawke had been giving him. He still had to ask Aveline to write for him, because his writing was often too tiny to read or too cramped. But he was independent enough with everything else.

 

He dropped the letter and stared into his fireplace, unsure what his next course of action should be.

 

Obviously, Hawke was the best option.

 

But would he help?

 

  _See I thought love was black and white_

_That it was wrong or it was right_

_But you ain't leaving without a fight_

_And I think I am just as torn inside_

Fenris was by himself in his mansion, relieving tension. And that meant swinging his sword around in sweeping arcs, avoiding the bookshelves and odd chests littering the room.

 

“You don’t have to live here anymore, you know,” Varric said, walking in and looking around in distaste.

 

“Yes, I know. But I like it here.”

 

Varric shook his head and Aveline threw her arms up in a sign of defeat. “I can’t do much more for you,” she warned.

 

Fenris nodded. “Understood. Thanks for your help.”

 

The two got ready to leave, and on their way out, Varric muttered, “Freedom must be a terrible burden, I guess.”

 

Then the door shut, and it was just Hawke and Fenris.

 

Fenris took a deep breath and sat down on his couch, placing his hands in between his knees. Hawke followed suit.

 

“We haven’t talked about what happened three years ago,” Fenris said finally, breaking the silence.

 

“Because you didn’t want to.”

 

“I keep wondering what I could have done differently, what I would have done differently,” he admitted, restless. He got up and stared into the fire.

 

“I just need to know why.”

 

“Because I felt like a fool. Being with you, it frightened me. I have never felt that strongly about anyone, but you’re different. I don’t know myself around you; I find myself saying and doing things that go against my beliefs.”

 

Fenris turned back to look at Hawke, so that he could see the pleading in his eyes. “If I could go back, I would do things differently. I’d walk back into the room and tell you how I felt, how I feel.”

 

Hawke looked up at him. “And what’s that?”

 

“That meeting you was the most important thing that ever happened to me.”

 

“Hmm. I don’t know. This could be fun to hold over you.”

 

Fenris walked back to where Hawke was sitting, placing his hand on the arm of the chair. “If there’s a future to be had, I’ll gladly follow you, Hawke.”

 

_And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call_

_You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all_

_But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you_

_This is what I have to do_

 


End file.
